Dealing with bullying
Bullying is difficult to deal with and can feel hard to stop – ...
READ MEBullying
If you're being bullied, or know someone who is, there are lots of things you can say and do to make the bullying stop and to cope. This is our guide to what bullying is, why people bully, and what you can do about it.
So we wanted to give you everything you need to know to stop bullying for good.
If you click on the text below, it will take you to the section you want to read. This article will cover:
We have a whole article dedicated to dealing with different types of bullying. Check it out here!
Bullying behaviours:
- Are aggressive, unkind or mean behaviours that are one-sided
- Are repeated behaviours (it must happen multiple times, in an ongoing way to be defined as bullying)
- Happen on purpose/are deliberate (i.e. aren't accidental for instance)
- Must have a power imbalance – which means that people bullying and the people being bullied aren’t seen as being ‘equal’, or the person being bullied would have a hard time standing up for themself or fighting back, e.g. older, bigger people picking on smaller, younger people, or ‘popular’ people targeting someone who they see as being ‘unpopular’, or a group targeting one person
- Causes harm - this can be physical (e.g. bruises), psychological (e.g. distress) or social (e.g. losing friends)
Some other serious types of behaviours, like discrimination, harassment and abuse, can overlap with bullying and are actually against the law.
Bullying is not the same as
- Being rude – saying or doing something hurtful that wasn’t planned or meant to hurt someone, e.g. someone pushing in front of you in the canteen line
- Being mean – doing something hurtful to someone on purpose once or twice, e.g. a friend refusing to hang out with you one day
- Conflict – there's a disagreement, both sides are aggressive/mean and there's no power imbalance (both sides can 'stand up' for themselves or fight back), e.g. two friends getting into an argument or fight and saying mean things to each other
- Respectful feedback on behaviours you're doing that aren’t ok, e.g. “It’s not ok roll your eyes every time they talk about sport.”
- A friend putting in a ‘boundary’ e.g. “I don't like it when you keep telling me what to do.”
- Natural consequences in socialising, e.g. a friend not trusting you because you shared their secret
Test your knowledge! Is this bullying?
Let’s test out your knowledge and see if you can identify which of these scenarios are bullying.
Scenario 1
Your two besties hate each other right now due to some drama that went down. Basically, one of them shared a secret they shouldn’t have, so the other one uninvited them to their birthday because, ‘They’re not friends with traitors’. The person who was uninvited tells you they’re being bullied and wants you to be on their side.
Scenario 2
There’s a new person in your group and they’re super popular. Every time you share a story or make a suggestion they roll their eyes, sigh in annoyance, and shake their head. You’re feeling targeted, but your other friends don’t think it’s a big deal and that you’re just being too sensitive. You just found out they have a group chat online that everyone else is part of – except for you.
Scenario 3
A friend told you that another friend was talking badly about you behind their back. They’re furious at you for a misunderstanding and they’ve said some really nasty stuff about you (including some stuff that isn’t true).
Scenario 4
This guy in the grade higher than you keeps picking on you on the bus. He does stuff like making fun and playing pranks on you. You’ve told him to stop, but he tells you to lighten up, he’s just joking around.
Which ones are bullying?
Scenario 2 and 4 are bullying! Did you get them right?
Why are they bullying? Because they’re mean on purpose, repeated and have a power imbalance (with a more popular kid at school, or an older kid on the bus).
For the record, scenario 1 is conflict, and scenario 3 is mean. I mean, let's be honest - all the scenarios really suck and are tricky to deal with. And scenario 1 and 3 both have the potential to turn into bullying if it gets worse, keeps happening or meets other parts of the bullying definition.
Still not sure if what you're experiencing is bullying or not? This can help you figure it out.
Types of bullying
Bullying can be direct (happening to your face) or indirect (happening 'behind your back'). Bullying can also be super obvious and observable (‘overt’), or subtle and hard to prove (‘covert’). There are a few different types of bullying, including:
Verbal bullying – using words to make you feel upset, angry, embarrassed, etc. E.g. teasing, name calling, yelling, etc.
Physical bullying – stuff that hurts or harms your body, e.g. kicking, tripping, hitting. Physical bullying can also include things like damaging your possessions.
Cyberbullying – stuff like mean texts, emails, posts, images or videos. Find out how eSafety can help if you experience cyberbullying and how you can report a complaint.
Social bullying – stuff done to hurt your reputation. It can be verbal, like spreading rumours or playing mean jokes, or non-verbal like pretending not to hear a person when they speak or leaving them out.
Knowing the type of bullying you’re experiencing is important – because you need to use different strategies to deal with different types of bullying. You can read about types and coping strategies here.
Stress and trauma
You’ve heard of fight or flight as a stress response, right? Some people deal with stress in ‘fight’ mode or have been exposed to abuse and trauma and have learned to use aggression as a coping strategy (this doesn’t excuse bullying behaviour, btw!).
People who are struggling with stress and trauma benefit from learning more positive strategies to manage their stress/emotions and develop empathy for others.
Low self-esteem or past bullying
Some people who bully others report feeling insecure and powerless. They use bullying to take ‘power’ back over others and feel a level of control.
Some people report wanting to ‘bring others down a peg’ by making them feel bad.
And it’s not uncommon for people who have been bullied to bully others in a kind of ‘I’ll get them before they get me’ mentality.
Social and cultural norms
The bad news is Australia has the second highest rate of bullying out of 25 OECD countries. The good news - it means we can look at those countries with low rates of bullying to see what can be done.
While in Australia we take pride in 'taking the piss' it can contribute to bullying. Stuff like paying each other out, and ‘riling someone up’ (deliberately annoying or making someone angry for entertainment) can sometimes go too far – and might act as a kind of gateway for bullying. It’s hard to know where the line between, “it’s just a joke, lighten up” and bullying is.
There are also some gender differences, with boys being far more likely to act this way, and far more likely to engage in aggressive behaviour when they bully others.
Girls don’t get a free pass though. Gossiping and ‘spilling the tea’ on others is a part of our culture too – and can sometimes cross a line and become subtle, behind-your-back bullying.
Social combat
For some people, bullying others can be rewarding. Picking on others may get someone laughs, attention, or seem like a ‘game’ that they do with their mates. It might sound totally messed up, but think about it for a moment... if you've got a brother or sister, we bet there are times you've totally annoyed or embarrassed them on purpose, for your own entertainment. (People who bully might be doing the same thing - but they're targeting peers instead of siblings).
We also know, according to psychology, that when people form groups or cliques, leaving others out and acting negatively towards those not in the circle can bring the group closer together and make group members feel more secure and special.
Some people who bully also do so as a type of ‘revenge’ for a perceived wrong. This can happen in cases where friends become frenemies, too.
"Developing your social skills is a great way to prevent bullying. Anyone can learn how to shut down or respond to that very first instance of bullying, where the people targeting you are kind of 'sussing you out'. If they don't get the reaction they want or expect on their first few tries, chances are, they'll leave you alone. The good news is that the social skills you need are something you can learn."
– Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
Omg! If it’s this complicated, how do we stop bullying for good?
Here's the secret to preventing and stopping bullying for good...
Ok, analogies can suck if not done right. But let’s give one a go:
If you think of bullying like a plant – using the wrong response/strategy won't work, because it will only pull the leaves off the plant. The root of the plant remains, so the leaves will eventually grow back. That bullying plant is going to keep growing and thriving.
Stopping bullying for good means pulling the plant out by the roots (so it can’t grow back).
If we can understand what motivates people to bully, we get to the ‘root’ of the problem. (‘Root’ of the problem - see what we did there?)
Once you know ‘why’ people bully, you respond in ways that starve the bullying/plant and stop it from growing and thriving.
No one person should be responsible for stopping bullying all on their own. We all have a responsibility to prevent and stop bullying. But, if you’re looking for strategies you can use right now, in-the-moment, start here!
It’s a bit of a myth that being unique/different/standing out in some way ‘causes’ bullying.
Firstly, we're so sorry to hear you're being targeted like that! That's really difficult!
Being bullied is not your fault. People who bully others do it for lots of complex, personal reasons. Bullying is a behaviour, and people who bully tend to repeat that behaviour, targeting different people throughout their lives.
It’s true that people who bully will target specific people. They tend to target people they think they can ‘get away with’ bullying.
For example, people they think won’t report it/ask for help – after all, they don’t want to get caught or get in trouble, right?
If you’re being targeted by bullying, you want to use the right response/strategy to show that you’re not worth targeting – that they can’t get away with it, and they won’t come off looking good when they act that way. We know this is way easier said than done, so we’ve made this handy guide to help you learn the social skills you need to respond like a pro.
And please reach out for support - let's tackle this together!
My friend's being bullied – what should I do?
When you see bullying happening to someone else, you become a ‘bystander’. Being bullied is bad enough - but having an audience witness your suffering and doing nothing to help is super traumatic. But you can make a difference and that’s when you turn into an ‘upstander’. As an added bonus, being an upstander is actually good for your mental health (according to actual science)!
By an upstander doesn't mean you have to 'take on' the people bullying yourself. There's lots of ways to stop bullying from happening, including:
Show you disapprove, e.g. frown at a mean joke and shake your head to show you don’t think it’s right.
Interrupt the bullying by talking directly to the person being bullied, e.g. “Hey Jack, there you are!”
Give the person being bullied an excuse to leave the situation, e.g. “The teacher is looking for you,” or, “Hey, can you come help me with something for a minute?”
In private, let the person being bullied know that you saw the bullying, and offer support, e.g. “I saw what happend at lunch and it's not ok. How can I help?”
Call out the bullying. If you feel safe to do so, you can actually verbally disagree to the face of the people doing the bullying. A good standard line is, "We don't do that here."
Report it to trustworthy adults, such as a teacher, parent, or Kids Helpline. If possible, report it together – being bullied can be very lonely. Having a friend through a tough time can make a big difference to someone being bullied. You can also be part of the plan to address the ongoing bullying too.
But Kids Helpline... won’t I be targeted if I stand up to bullying?
Great question! We investigated the research around this, and here’s what we found.
Just witnessing bullying increases anxiety and depression – and that was true even for those who are friends with or support the person doing the bullying!
Ignoring the bullying/doing nothing makes your self-esteem worse and makes you feel more negative about the future.
But becoming an ‘upstander’ didn’t just help the person who was being bullied. People who stood up to bullying had improved mental health, better self-esteem and felt more hopeful about the future too.
What’s even cooler is that being an upstander is contagious. As soon as one person stands up and speaks out, others do too. It’s like a domino effect.
So no, standing up to bullying doesn’t tend to put a target on your back.
By standing up, you’re letting people who bully know that you won’t just shut your mouth and put up with their crap. And you’re totally changing the culture by saying that bullying is unacceptable here. Go you!
Being a bully is not who you are, it’s something you do and something you can change.
Good on you for owning it and wanting to change - that takes courage! The good news is, that not only can you stop bullying others, but your life will probably get better because of it.
Stuff that can really help includes learning strategies to manage your stress and emotions, developing empathy (understanding how others feel – let’s be honest, being bullied really, really sucks), and learning different social skills and problem-solving skills, e.g. other ways to manage conflict.
All this stuff will improve your mental health and result in deeper, more authentic and genuine friendships with others. It’s a win-win!
If you think you might be a cyberbully, this can help.
You can get professional support too – Kids Helpline is here to help you, without blame or shame.
Bullying can feel very lonely – but we’re here for you
Lots of people experience bullying – and overcome it. You can too!
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This content was last reviewed 17/10/2024
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