Dealing with bullying
Bullying is difficult to deal with and can feel hard to stop – especially if the things you’ve already tried haven’t worked out.
This page is a ‘start here’ guide to help you figure out what kind of bullying you’re dealing with and where to go next. Basically: less panic-scrolling, more ‘what actually helps here?'
If you feel unsafe, threatened, or at risk of harm, please call 000 or get help from a trustworthy adult (like a teacher or parent) straight away.
What to do if you’re being bullied
If you’re here, chances are you, or someone you care about is being bullied.
We’re so sorry you’re going through this! We know you've probably already tried to manage the bullying on your own and it might not have worked. It's possible for things to get better!
Bullying can start to reduce or stop with the right support. But we also don’t want to sugar-coat things – realistically, it might take time, a few strategies and a few tries for things to improve. There’s no single magic solution. Annoying? Yes. True? Also yes.
If you’ve tried to stop bullying and it hasn’t worked, you’re not a ‘failure’. We’re not doing self-blame today. Bullying is so harmful because of how distressing and tricky it can be to deal with.
But don’t give up! No one deserves to be bullied, and you have a right to be treated with respect and to be safe.
Every bullying situation is different. Before trying a new strategy, it can help to talk it through with a trusted adult or Kids Helpline counsellor and make a plan.
The responsibility to stop someone from bullying you should never sit on your shoulders, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.
We all have a part to play in preventing and stopping bullying. So, make sure you talk to a trustworthy adult, like a parent or teacher, if you need to.
What type of bullying am I experiencing?
The first thing you need to know is that different types of bullying require different strategies and responses.
Not sure what bullying you’re experiencing? Fair. Bullying can be messy and weirdly complicated.
Take our interactive quiz (below) to help figure out what's happening and which strategies might help.
No quiz? No worries. We respect the scroll. You can choose the article that sounds most like your situation.
It’s okay if more than one type fits. Bullying can happen in more than one way at the same time.
Don't want to do the quiz?
Use these quick links instead.
Bullying that happens face-to-face
Because ‘just ignore it’ is not always the genius advice people think it is...
This could be in-person bullying to your face, physical or verbal bullying, or bullying that happens in front of other people.
When friends are being mean or excluding you
Your friends are nice, then they’re mean. Your group is close, then they’re a clique. There are hurtful behaviours, like gossiping. Sometimes you aren’t sure if you’re friends or frenemies.
My friends are being mean to meBullying that happens behind your back
This is the type of bullying that’s hard to prove. It might harm your reputation, friendships and self-esteem. It could look like veiled threats, backhanded compliments and more.
Bullying that happens online
Online bullying is still bullying. The Wi-Fi does not make it less real. This can include stuff like online verbal abuse, setting up fake profiles, excluding others online, cancelling, outing and more.
Getting support for bullying
Bullying can affect your self-esteem, your mental health, and other aspects of your life.
Sometimes, people find it hard to talk about being bullied or feel ashamed. Many people, including Kids Helpline counsellors and other adults in your life, have experienced bullying at one time or another.
Having people on your side can make bullying feel less isolating and can help you work out what to do next.
Getting support from someone safe has lots of benefits, like:
- You don’t have to deal with it alone
- You can rebuild confidence and self-esteem
- You can make a plan for what to do next
- You can get help looking after your mental health
- You can work out how to report it safely
You can start by telling a trustworthy adult what’s been happening. This could be a teacher, school counsellor, parent/carer, GP, psychologist, or Kids Helpline counsellor.
"I was bullied a lot last year... I'm still sort of being bullied but I'm trying my very hardest to get through it and just be positive and just be myself."
I’m worried about reporting bullying...
It makes sense that some people are hesitant to tell someone what’s happening.
You might worry about making it worse, not want to be labelled a ‘dobber’, or just want to try to deal with it on your own. Let’s explore this a little bit more.
People who bully will often use tactics to keep you quiet. Very convenient for them. Not so great for you. They often want the bullying to stay a secret so they don’t get in trouble, and they can keep bullying you.
They might threaten you, or shame you to stop you from speaking out.
Reporting bullying can take a lot of bravery but it’s the right thing to do. When you let a trustworthy adult know what’s happening, you’re taking action to help stop others from being bullied in the future.
Reporting can also help adults step in and deal with the behaviour properly, including getting support for the person doing the bullying if they need it.
It’s unfortunately true that bullying can, in some cases, get a little bit worse before getting better. It might take a few tries to make a permanent positive change.
Sometimes bullying can get worse for a short time after someone speaks up. That’s why it’s important to make a plan with an adult before or soon after reporting it. We love a plan. Especially one that doesn’t leave you dealing with this alone.
How to make a report
To help you make your report, it can be useful to:
- Write down what happened, when, where, and who saw it
- Save screenshots/messages
- Ask what the adult will do next
- Tell more than one trustworthy adult if nothing changes
- Keep checking in if the bullying continues
Don't worry if you don't have 'proof'. You don't need 'evidence' to make a report.
It’s also okay to give the adults supporting you feedback, too! If something hasn’t worked or hasn’t been helpful, let them know. Adults should involve you in how they deal with the bullying. It’s something you should do together.
Bullying: what not to do
Here are some ‘don’ts’ when responding to bullying.
Don’t rely on showing them they’ve upset you
Being able to say how you feel is a very important communication skill with people who care about you. People who are bullying you generally want you to feel bad. If you tell them, “Stop it! You’re upsetting me,” that may show them that they’re getting to you. If you can, try to look calm on the outside, even if you’re not feeling calm inside.
You’re allowed to have feelings. You just don’t have to hand them over as ammunition. Choose someone safe to talk to, not the person using it to hurt you.
Don’t stoop to their level
It’s so tempting to give them a taste of their own medicine. And in all the best movies, the people doing the bullying get what’s coming to them. Understandable urge. Bad plan. But in real life, we know from research that trying to get even often creates a vicious cycle where the bullying gets worse and worse.
Don’t keep it a secret
Keeping it secret mostly protects the person doing the bullying. And bullying does not need a bodyguard.
We know that there’s a negative view of ‘dobbing’ and ‘being a snitch’. We want to challenge that!
Trying to get someone in trouble for no reason is different from asking for help when someone is hurting you.
Don’t ignore it and hope it disappears
It’s totally understandable that you hope things will get better on their own. Unfortunately, bullying rarely gets bored and wanders off politely.
Bullying is a pattern of behaviour, and it can become ‘entrenched’. That means it becomes a cycle you get stuck in. The longer it goes on, the trickier it can be to break the cycle. It’s never too late to get help. It’s also never too early to get help. The sooner you report it, the earlier it can be dealt with.
So how should I deal with bullying?
You've seen the 'don'ts'. Now here's the 'do's'.
To see our counsellors’ recommendations on things to say and do to deal with different types of bullying, check out these articles:
Dealing with bullying: myths & facts
Let’s debunk some of the false info you may hear!
Myth: Standing up for yourself makes it worse
Fact: Standing up for yourself can help in some situations. It works best when you have support and a safety plan.
Myth: The only way to stop bullying is to retaliate
Fact: People who bully don’t necessarily ‘fight fair’. Retaliating can make bullying worse — especially if the person doing the bullying gets others involved or goes to extreme lengths to ‘get revenge’. Plus, getting even can also get you in trouble, even if you didn’t start it. Unfair, but possible.
Myth: People who become bullying targets ‘deserve’ or are ‘asking for it’
Fact: Nope. Hard no. Giant neon no.
Bullying is a choice made by the person who bullies. It’s never the fault of the person being bullied, and there is no reason or excuse to bully someone. According to research, people with all types of appearances and personalities are targeted. The bullying is never caused by the target.
Myth: Reporting always makes bullying worse
Fact: It can feel scary, and sometimes things can get bumpy at first, but involving safe adults usually gives you more support and more options. In one study, the bullying situation improved when adults got involved 73% of the time.
FAQs about dealing with bullying
Here are some real-life questions teens have asked us, with responses from counsellors.
What if the school won’t do anything?
When working with the school to report and deal with bullying:
- Ask for a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy
- Keep a record of incidents and who you spoke to
- Ask a parent/carer or trusted adult to help escalate
- If needed, contact the school’s governing body or education department
When does bullying become illegal?
Bullying can be illegal if it involves violence, threats, stalking, stealing or damaging property, or cyberbullying. If there are threats, violence, stalking, sexual harassment, sharing private images, blackmail, or someone is unsafe, get adult help urgently. And if your gut is saying ‘this feels serious’, listen to it and get adult help. We have an article about that here.
I don’t get the ‘imbalance of power’ part of the bullying definition?
Honestly, even some adults struggle with this too! And to make it even trickier, power imbalances can be:
- obvious and easy to see, like when someone bigger and older picks on a smaller, younger kid
- ‘perceived’, which means that the person who is being bullied feels like the other person has all the control (even if they don’t)
All meanness sucks, but not all mean behaviour is bullying. The power imbalance part really means that the person experiencing it would have a hard time defending themselves or stopping what’s happening because they don’t feel like they’re on equal footing with the person or people doing the bullying.
Examples of a power imbalance: An older, larger student picks on someone younger or physically smaller. A group targets a single person who is on their own or doesn’t have any friends. Someone popular targets someone unpopular. These are all examples of bullying.
Examples without a power imbalance: Two friends have a disagreement, and both say hurtful things in the moment. Two people tease each other, but both are comfortable saying “stop”, and both actually stop. Two people compete for attention, popularity or leadership in a group, and both are acting unfairly.
Get personalised support for bullying
Bullying can be hard to tackle on your own. It doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all solution, sadly.
We’ve given some strategies you can try in this article – but these are just a starting point. If you’re being bullied and the stuff you’ve tried isn’t working, or it’s affecting your mental health, you can get support and talk it through with a counsellor. Counsellors will work with you to figure out the best things to say or do in your unique situation.
Bullying can be stopped, and things can get better!
Give us a call or start a webchat to get respectful and confidential support.
This content was last reviewed 18
