Bullying
If you're being bullied, or know someone who is, there are lots ...
READ MEDealing with bullying
Bullying is difficult to deal with and can feel hard to stop – especially if the things you’ve already tried have failed. We've compiled our best in-the-moment strategies into this helpful guide for you!
We’re so sorry you’re going through this!
We know you've probably already tried to manage the bullying on your own and it might not have worked.
We want you to know that it's totally possible to stop bullying. But we also don’t want to sugar coat things – it realistically might take a few strategies and a few tries to nip it in the bud for good! If you've tried to stop bullying and it hasn't work, you're not a 'failure' or to blame. Bullying is so harmful because of how distressing and tricky it can be to manage.
But don't give up - no one deserves to be bullied and you have a right to be treated with respect and be safe.
All the strategies in this article are general and don’t take into account your specific, unique situation, personality, etc. So, before trying any new strategies, we recommend talking things through with a trustworthy adult like a school counsellor (or Kids Helpline counsellor) and making a plan together.
The responsibility to stop someone from bullying you should never sit on your shoulders and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. We're all responsible for preventing and stopping bullying. So make sure you report it and get and support!
We recommend this article on what bullying is and why people do it as a great starting point - check it out if you haven't already. Ok... now let's go to our counsellor's best in-the-moment strategies to respond to bullying!
The first thing you need to know is that different types of bullying require different strategies and responses. Unfortunately, there’s no ‘one size fits all’ solution.
We know that bullying isn't always going to fit neatly into one category. Bullying is complicated, and it may include stuff that's to your face and behind your back at the same time. You might even experience all four types of bullying! If that’s the case, you might need to change your approach depending on the circumstances and tackle different types of bullying differently.
Use the guide below as a starting point to identify the type of bullying you mostly experience. Click the button to view the strategies we suggest for that type of bullying.
Bullying is mostly to my face
This includes physical actions (like flicking rubber bands at the back of your head) or verbal actions (like insults). This can also include non-verbal things (like rolling their eyes whenever you talk).
Bullying is mostly in front of others
Bullying mostly happens in social situations, with an audience. The bullying behaviours are usually obvious to others/visible, and they can be physical or verbal.
Bullying is mostly behind my back
These types of behaviours cause harm to your reputation, friendships, and self-esteem. It can include things like threatening looks, spreading rumours, gossiping, being left out, and revealing secrets.
Bullying is mostly online/cyberbullying
This can include stuff like online verbal abuse, setting up fake profiles, excluding others online, cancelling, outing, doxing and more.
Bullying to my face
Ignore it. This sometimes works for the first instance of bullying, or occasional bullying.
Agree with them (in a bored way). This works well for insults. “You’re so right – I am such a loser.”
Turn it back on them. “Omg, why are you so obsessed with me? Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession.” OR “I feel bad for you – I'm living rent-free in your head right now.”
Use humour – have a funny comeback. “Nice insult – I give it 3/5 stars. Not very original though. Better luck next time!” (You can prepare a witty response ahead of time if they tend to use the same insult over and over again).
Real life story - being picked on in Geography
"This didn’t happen to me personally but happened to someone I know.
A group of boys were teasing a teen girl about her makeup every geography class. They’d say stuff like she looked like a clown, and that no guy would ever date someone who had to cake makeup on like that.
She knew it was coming, so she got ready with her comeback: “I know Matthew, I’m so envious of your clean girl makeup. Can you give me some tips?”
Every time the boys picked on her about her makeup, she’d agree with them and compliment their ‘no makeup makeup look’, and even ask them for their secret makeup tips.
They backed off after that!"
Counsellor note: This experience was both face-to-face and in front of other people (as it involved a group). There's a great use of humour here! The fact the bullying was repeated/predictable meant she could prepare her witty response in advance. It sounds like they gave up when they didn't get the upset reaction they wanted.
"I was bullied a lot last year... I'm still sort of being bullied but I'm trying my very hardest to get through it and just be positive and just be myself."
Bullying that happens in front of others
People who bully like this are often motivated by the reactions of other people – they want them to laugh, join in, or think they’re ‘tough’. They find bullying socially ‘rewarding’.
The best way to combat this type of bullying is to find ways to make them look like the ‘bad guy’ (because this isn’t normally what they want – it stops being rewarding when everyone thinks you suck!).
Name it or call it out
Calling out bullying as bullying can sometimes be enough to stop this type of bullying as it makes the person doing it look bad. For example, if someone is making ‘oink, oink’ noises while you eat, you could say, “Hey, what you’re doing is actually body shaming – and it’s super petty.”
This strategy works well for subtle bullying too, like if someone rolls their eyes every time you speak, you could say, “It’s so weird how you always get something in your eye whenever I talk, Ashley!”
Act like you don't get it - and make them explain it
This works well for inappropriate jokes, or subtle/indirect discrimination where someone is ‘punching down’. Say, “I don’t get it – explain it to me,” and wait expectantly for their answer.
Most people realise that they don’t come off looking like the hero when they need to explain why they find it entertaining to pick on vulnerable people (and are less likely to do it again in the future).
Turn bystanders into upstanders
According to the research, one of the best ways to stop bullying is to get witnesses involved. If you know the bullying is coming (because it keeps happening in certain locations or situations), ask friends, bystanders, and witnesses to ‘disapprove’ the next time they see it happening (e.g. shake their head), or call it out by saying, “We don’t do that here.” They can also stand with/behind you (i.e. using body language to show they 'have your back').
In the moment, you can also ask someone by name to help/support you, such as “Hey, Jordan, back me up here!” According to research, asking someone by name to step in puts pressure on them and increases the likelihood they’ll intervene as they don't want to be seen as agreeing with the bullying or seeming cowardly. (You can even ask a stranger to intervene, e.g. "Hey, you in the blue top! Won't you please help me?")
Real life story - taking on my BFF's frenemy
"There was this one girl in our friend group who would constantly turn on my bestie and criticise her. One moment she was super sweet, then the next, she’d humiliate my friend in front of everyone and even make her cry.
She literally only targeted my bestie - she didn't treat anyone else like that.
I spoke to my friend, and we made a plan together. The next time the girl criticised her, I’d stand up for her.
It happened in front of a big group of friends. Everyone was talking about what to wear to a party. My bestie said she felt uncomfortable wearing a costume the other girl suggested – so that girl arced up and publicly uninvited her.
I said something like, “Wow, that was really mean. If she’s not invited, I’m not coming either – because who wants to go to a party with such a killjoy?” A few of the other friends nodded in agreement and later on told me, “Good on you” for standing up to her.
The girl who was mean seemed surprised and she took off. The next day, she acted like nothing had happened - she didn't even apologise!
She did the same mean behaviour a few more times, but every time she did, I made sure to point it out (and so did some of our other friends). It stopped pretty quickly after that."
Counsellor note: Well done upstander! Not only did you back up your friend - but you were also a role model to your whole friendship group and totally changed the dynamic.
If it’s only happened a few times and/or it’s really obvious...
Thiis type of behaviour often happens in friendships and can be motivated by conflict, competition, or even a desire for revenge.
If these are your friends doing it, you want to try and sort it out quickly, so it doesn’t get more toxic. You can reset things by being upfront and using assertive communication.
Calling out the behaviour also shows you’re not going to just put up with it and let them treat you badly – and they won’t get away with it.
Speak to the person doing it one-on-one, in private (if it’s more than one person, try and talk to one person you think would be most kind/responsive first – and speak to them alone).
Be calm, polite, and curious. Say, “I’ve noticed x behaviour. What’s going on?” Listen to understand (you want to try to get to the bottom of what went wrong). Say, “How can we put this behind us and move forward?” If they don’t want that to happen, you can set a boundary, “If this happens again, I will report it to a teacher.”
If it keeps happening and it's subtle or hard to prove...
People who behave in this way often try to look ‘innocent’. They want to keep doing it and don’t want to get caught. Don’t keep it secret – it gives them exactly what they want!
These people are being deliberately sneaky. They want people to doubt, minimise or dismiss your experiences when you speak up about it. They also want you to doubt yourself too.
The best thing you can do for this type of bullying is keep a record. Write down exactly what they said/did. Keep it factual with dates. (You can back-date stuff that’s already happened too).
Why? Well, it’s easy to write off one small thing as a joke or misunderstanding. But five, ten or more small things is proof of a pattern of bullying. Once you have your evidence, report it to a trustworthy adult and keep reporting it until it stops.
Their behaviour is also designed to make you feel bad about and doubt yourself – so, make sure you look after your wellbeing while all this is going on.
We also highly recommend you start making new friends or building friendships with people who aren’t part of that group. People who act mean towards you don’t deserve your friendship!
Real life story - my friends ditched me
"We had a new student at school and she joined our friend group. Everyone really liked her. I started to notice that everytime I spoke she would ignore me and treat me like I wasn't there. I tried to talk to my best friend about it, but they said they hadn't noticed it and I was being silly, so I shut up about it.
One day, my friends all stopped sitting with me at lunch time (like, they would literally make a secret plan to sit elsewhere and not tell me, so I had to sit by myself).
I spoke to my best friend in private and asked what was going on - what had I done to upset everyone? It turns out this new student was saying I said all this awful stuff to her about my friends, which wasn't true! She was constantly criticising me behind my back (both at school and also online). All my friends believed the stuff she said and got caught up in the drama, which really hurt.
I wrote down all the mean things that were being said, with the date, the witnesses, where it happened, etc., and reported it to a teacher. The teacher spoke to her. At first, I thought it had made things worse (as she was super pissed at me for telling). She said more awful things about me. I told the teacher again, and she got in trouble again. And that worked - she backed off.
After a few weeks my friends apologised and told me they’d seen her true colours. We made up and stuff went back to normal. Side note: that girl went on to do the same things to a few other students (making up rumours about them). She got caught out lying to teachers too, and lost all credibility – and she eventually left school."
"There's lots going on in the above story. People often feel really minimised and dismissed when they try to speak up about subtle bullying like that. It's so great she kept a record and reported everything to a teacher - that took guts! I also really like how the person experiencing the bullying didn't stoop to her level, even though she must have felt really alone and rejected by her friends. That's such a tricky and upsetting situation to be in! She kept being the bigger person and persisted in fighting it, and eventually, it stopped - and her friends even came around too."
– Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
Reporting bullying: when and how to get help
Some people are hesitant to report bullying. They might be scared of making it worse, don’t want to be labelled a dobber, or just want to try and deal with it on their own. Let’s pick these beliefs apart!
The only person who benefits from you not reporting is the person doing the bullying – they want to keep bullying you (so they want you to keep quiet about it) and they don’t want to get in trouble.
People who bully will use tactics to keep you quiet. They might threaten you, or shame you to stop you from speaking out.
Reporting bullying is a pretty heroic thing to do and makes you a role model. You're taking action to stop others from being bullied in the future. You’re also, in a way, letting the person doing the bullying know that they need to treat other people better.
It’s unfortunately true that bullying can, in some cases, get a little bit worse before getting better. It might take a few tries to make a permanent positive change. Remember, that bullying can sometimes escalate before it stops for good. As soon as you start to push back, they might push harder – before they give up.
When reporting it, make sure you tell trustworthy adults (who will actually do something about it). Tell more than one adult and make sure you come up with an action plan/next steps together. Make sure you keep communicating with them about how things are progressing.
It’s also ok to give the adults supporting you feedback, too! If something hasn’t worked or hasn’t been helpful, let them know!
How do I cope with being bullied?
Get social support. Spend time with friends - or focus on making new friends who like you for you.
Do things you enjoy. This can give you a mental break from the stress of bullying and is an important distraction.
Focus on what you’re good at, your strengths, and how unique you are. Bullying can make you feel not good enough. Focus on celebrating the things that make you, you!
Get professional support. Bullying can be hard to manage and you shouldn't have to try and solve it all on your own. Professionals can work with you to figure out the best things to try, based on your situation and who you are as a person (because every person and situation is different).
Know that things do get better. Bullying can be stopped and does stop - and you can get through this! Bullying might make you feel hopeless, helpless and worthless. Remember that bullying is temporary and many, many people have overcome it (and you can too). You are very worthy of love, care, kindness, friendship and respect, and all of that is waiting for you in your future.
Know you’re not the problem (depersonalise it). People who bully often do so for personal reasons (about themselves) or personal problems they’re facing/struggling with. (This is never a ‘reason’ to bully someone or an ‘excuse’ for bullying.) Taylor Swift really go it right when she said ‘haters gonna hate... shake it off’! - aka don't internalise yourself as being the problem and live your best life (that really is the best revenge)!
Get personalised support for bullying
Bullying can be hard to tackle on your own. It doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all solution, sadly.
We’ve given some strategies you can try in this article – but these are just a starting point.
If you’re being bullied and the stuff you’ve tried isn’t working, or it’s affecting your mental health, you can get support and talk it through with a counsellor. Counsellors will work with you to figure out the best things to say or do in your unique situation.
Bullying can be stopped, and things can get better!
Give us a call, start a webchat or chat with people going through similar situations in My Circle.
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This content was last reviewed 17/10/2024
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