Disagreements in families are normal and healthy. Here is a guide to resolving family conflict.
Fighting with family
Disagreements are normal and healthy interactions when they are respectful.
If family members don’t disagree from time to time, it might mean that someone isn’t getting their say.
Conflict can be stressful, but it’s also a great learning opportunity. Learning to resolve conflict can help you improve your communication strategies and grow as a person.
If you are experiencing family conflict where you feel genuinely unsafe, you might be experiencing an abusive family relationship.
Sometimes, people wonder if their conflict is normal and like what other families experience. Here’s a helpful guide to what most families disagree about:
Friends/relationships. It’s normal for family to disagree on friends or partners from time to time.
Important choices/decisions. Sometimes it can be hard to juggle your family’s expectations and your own goals or ambitions in life
Privacy. As you get older, you start to develop your personal boundaries, like privacy. One of the trickiest privacy concerns for teens is technology use.
Freedoms and responsibilities. Being a teen means slowly getting more and more freedom and responsibilities, like learning to drive, getting a first job, starting to date, etc. This can cause conflict.
There is a difference between privacy and ‘unsafe secrets’. Learn more about unsafe secrets.
Why do disagreements increase when you’re a teenager?
Your brain is still developing throughout your teenage years. In fact, your brain doesn’t officially mature until you are in your mid-twenties!
There are lots of things the teenage brain is better at than an adult brain, such as social skills. But there are some things your brain isn’t so crash hot at, which makes it harder to see some situations clearly or make good decisions. A key motivator for most parents/carers is their love for you and a desire to keep you safe.
Your brain is getting ready for you to be a fully-fledged adult and leave the nest, which makes it normal and healthy to start pushing some boundaries, making decisions and becoming more independent. It’s important to find the balance between freedom, responsibility and safety.
This isn’t just all new to you. It’s also new to your parents, too!
The teen brain is hard at work
The aspects of your brain that are still developing in your teens and twenties include:
“There’s an old saying, ‘Don’t raise your voice; improve your argument.’ It’s hard to resolve conflict when you start to feel too emotional. Learning to regulate your emotions is the first step towards being good at resolving conflict.”
– Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
Conflict resolution tips and tricks
"Relationships are a bit like a bank account. You have to spend time investing in the people you care about. Conflict is a bit like 'withdrawing' money from the bank account. As long as you've been investing in that person, your relationship can usually handle conflict and stress."
Managing tricky conversations
To learn more about assertive communication, managing your boundaries and having tricky conversations, check out 'being assertive and setting boundaries'.
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