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READ MESchool refusal
A parent’s guide to supporting kids and teens with school anxiety and ‘school can’t’
"Why is every school morning such a battle?"
"What should I do when my child refuses to get out of the car at drop-off?"
"When is it time to consider homeschooling or distance education?"
Sound familiar? If you've found yourself here looking for support with a child who is refusing to go to school, you've come to the right place!
What do you need help with?
- My child says they can’t go to school anymore >>
- My child won't go to school/isn’t attending school >>
- My child is going to school but has a lot of school anxiety >>
... or just scroll!
School refusal (also called school avoidance or ‘school can’t’) is when a student is emotionally distressed about going to school and feels unable to attend.
It’s not just a case of your child being ‘difficult’. School refusal is really complicated!
According to research, the main reason students withdraw from school is a sense of disconnection with all levels of school. This includes feeling disconnected from other students, teachers, and the school environment as a whole.
‘Avoidance’ is a natural behavioural response to feeling unsafe or distressed – and it’s not unique to children or teens. If adults can experience significant workplace stress, disconnect, and burnout, it makes sense that kids and teens can experience significant school-related stress too.
Supporting a child who is struggling with school is understandably a stressful and challenging experience for families. School refusal isn’t about defiance – it’s about anxiety. The core issue of school refusal is your child’s emotional distress about school.
“Let’s be honest – school is a lot, even if you generally enjoy it. Being expected to be switched on five days a week, for weeks on end isn’t easy. Plus, there’s all the social and emotional elements: tricky peer relationship dynamics, puberty and hormones, academic expectations, and more. It makes sense that students might feel overwhelmed and burnt out. And it’s understandable that kids or teens might have days or periods of time where they just don’t want to go to school.”
- Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
Be curious
Talk with your child about the things that are stressing them out or making it so they ‘can’t’ go to school. Remember: this isn’t about solving the problem. You’re just wanting to be non-judgemental and approachable to gather information and, importantly, connect with your child so they feel heard and cared for.
It could also be that your child can’t articulate what’s going on for them. That’s ok. Don’t push too hard – it might take time to help them sort out and make sense of their thoughts and feelings.
Plan together
After talking with your child and starting to understand what’s going on, create a plan together. Let them know you’re concerned and that their happiness and wellbeing are important to you.
See what they would most like to happen, and what kind of things they think might help. This is a problem they are experiencing that you are both working to solve together (this also helps them to have hope that their concerns are solvable and feel empowered as part of any solutions you both implement).
Involve the school
Ideally, the school will work with your child, you, and other professionals in partnership to help your child return to school. This shouldn’t be about blame. And everyone should have steps they're taking to best support your child.
Note: if you’re unhappy with the school’s response, you’ve tried addressing your concerns, and you feel it’s not working, you can always reach out to your school’s governing body (e.g. Department of Education).
Have perspective
The mental health and wellbeing of your child is the most important thing. Yep, it's even more important than school attendance.
Simply being ‘present’ at school (while distressed) isn’t going to help your child learn. It’s important to address any mental health issues first. Giving your child/family permission to have a short break from school and take the pressure off can be helpful in some situations.
A return-to-school plan should be gradual, build up slowly/at a speed that’s achievable, and properly address your child’s barriers to school and their concerns. That’s what will lead to long-term success.
When to get professional support
If your child is at the point where they can’t go to school at all, it’s a good idea to connect them with professional support.
You can get support for your child from professionals like psychologists and Kids Helpline. See what services your child would prefer to connect with and help them do just that (we know it can feel a bit scary at first!).
If you think your child has a mental health issue (diagnosed or undiagnosed), or may have learning difficulties, or be neurodivergent, adequate professional support is crucial for both their wellbeing and their education. A GP, psychologist, paediatrician, Parentline counsellor, or other mental health professional can help you access more specialist support if needed. It's also worth chatting to your GP and running some basic tests. Undiagnosed medical or health issues can be a contributing factor to school refusal in some cases.
It can also be helpful for parents to get support for themselves, too.
Returning disengaged kids to school isn’t a personal problem that parents need to solve on their own. It takes a collective/community effort to make real change for your child. Parentline is a great place to start!
Here's your return-to-school plan.
Work with your child, school staff and professionals to create the plan. It should be written down and reviewed regularly. The plan should also be a ‘living document’ that can be adjusted when your child feels capable of handling more (go at their pace). Remember that the longer a student is out of school, the harder it is to go back.
Your plan should include things like:
A gradual re-entry plan
This may involve attending partial days, such as going for two periods, or a day, or their favourite classes. This can be built up incrementally.
A school support person
This is a staff member your child likes who will meet with your child regularly and acts as the main ‘safe person’ for your child.
Access to a safe space
This could be the library, or anywhere else your child can go if overwhelmed.
Flexible learning accommodations
This might look like reducing workloads, offering extensions, etc. to reduce overwhelm. This is especially important for students who may have learning difficulties (diagnosed or undiagnosed).
Regular communication
Everyone involved in the plan should have regular chats to reflect on the plan and update it, and know how to get in touch with the right people to discuss things or make changes if needed.
Recognising effort
Positive feedback that focuses on effort (over results), and celebrates milestones in ways that are meaningful to your child, and helps rebuild their confidence.
Social and emotional supports at school
Such as being placed in class with a friend or ‘buddy’ (with the aim of reducing isolation and distress), and having regular appointments with the school counsellor.
Exit strategies
(AKA 'escape routes') that allow your child to discreetly leave class – and where to go and what to do if they do leave, e.g. go to the wellbeing room and do some progressive muscle relaxation.
Environmental changes
These are details about ways the school will address sensory-related issues where possible, e.g. changing the class seating plan.
Home routines
Before, after school, and bedtime routines that the family can follow at home to try to create structure and reduce stress.
Flexibility provisions
Rules the school may be willing to bend, such as flexibility with things like running late, more relaxed uniform policies, etc. as needed.
Alternative options to school
For some families, it might be worth considering different education options.
Making a change can be hard. It is understandable if you are feeling desperate or like you don't have any choice. Traditional school isn’t for everyone, and alternative options are totally valid. It’s important to do what’s best for your child and your family.
If you’re exploring school alternatives, you can start by talking it through with your school or a professional. It can also be helpful to connect with and hear from other families who have made the change to an alternative education option (the service you’re considering should be able to connect you with their community).
Some things to consider might include:
- changing schools
- online learning options
- homeschooling
- alternatives to mainstream schooling (sometimes called ‘flexible learning options’ or ‘flexible learning centres’)
- engagement in further education, training or employment (for students in senior high school).
My kid is still going to school but has a lot of school-based anxiety
School anxiety is tough – and if left unchecked, it can sometimes lead to school refusal.
School anxiety or the odd day or two off from school for ‘mental health’ reasons doesn’t always result in school refusal. Here are some things to watch out for that might indicate your child’s distress is increasing:
Conflict with teachers
Constantly running late to school
Asking parents for days off from school
Asking teachers to leave the classroom
Increasing days off or periods of absence
Meltdowns or withdrawal after the school day
Challenging behaviours on school mornings
Leaving school early before the end of the day
Missing some classes or times of day (but not others)
Shutting down when talking about school, e.g. “It’s fine”
Big emotions, tantrums, and outbursts (especially before school)
Anxiety about social situations or school activities (e.g. sports days)
Physical illness symptoms of stress, like headaches and stomach aches
"If you notice these warning signs, act early. School refusal is something that starts gradually and gets worse over time. Intervening early can help kids stay in school as well as improve their wellbeing.
"Start by connecting with your child. Be curious and try to understand what’s going on for them. Try to come up with a few things you can do to solve their concerns together. Make sure to let your school know your concerns and see what help they can offer. The best solutions come from families and schools working together."
-Amanda, Kids Helpline counsellor
Can’t we just force kids to go to school?
In the early stages, school refusal can feel a bit like a battle of wills.
Every day is a fight. It’s tempting to try and ‘push through’ and ‘make’ your child go to school by any means necessary – threats, rewards, begging, or telling them they have no choice. And it might work... at first.
The danger of this approach is that it can often result in kids becoming more and more distressed. They’re still struggling, and nothing is getting better. Making kids go to school, punishing them, etc. can make things worse, and have bigger impacts down the track (like school dropout).
Once things reach the point of ‘explosion’, kids can feel like they can’t trust adults (including teachers and parents) to help them. Their distress is so severe they often feel they have no other choice – other than to stop going to school.
Solutions need to address the key problems the child/teen is experiencing in a holistic way. This means that schools, parents/carers and students need to work together to improve the situation. That takes time and effort but is usually a much better outcome for everyone involved.
How Kids Helpline can help
Kids Helpline is here to support young people aged 5-25, anytime and for any reason. They can call, start a webchat or chat with people going through similar situations in My Circle. You can also let them know about our school refusal article for teens.
If you are a parent or carer, you can contact Parentline in your state or territory for advice and support.
This content was last reviewed 15/04/2026
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