Stay calm
Pause, take a few deep breaths
Fights with friends
Sometimes friendships can have problems and it can be hard to know what to do. We’ve got some tips to help you out.
Being friends doesn’t mean that you’ll never fight
It’s common for friends to fight or disagree at times
Even good friends have different interests, values and needs. These differences can sometimes lead to disagreements – and that’s ok!
Disagreeing can actually be a sign of a healthy friendship, if it’s done respectfully.
While there is no ‘right’ way to resolve a fight, there are some strategies that can help you work things out.
Being aware of what’s causing the fight
Reflecting on and understanding what might be causing the fight can help you work towards a resolution. Some reasons friends may fight include:
Feeling excluded
Misunderstandings
Changes in priorities
Different interests
Personality clash
Broken trust
Bullying
Feeling disconnected
Jealousy
Different opinions
Betrayal
Manipulation
Different values
Peer pressure
Competitiveness
Changes in friendship group
Tips for during a fight
The way you act during a fight can have an impact on your friendship.
Here are some tips to help:
Listen
Your friend may just want to be heard and to feel important
Notice feelings
You don’t have to act on them, just acknowledge them
Be respectful
Don’t call them names or use threats or violence
Don’t respond
Avoid the urge to get ‘even’ or say things you might regret
Take time out
If things get heated, walk away until things calm down
Keep it private
Avoid posting on social media or telling everyone about it
Don’t pull others in
Avoid gossiping or asking friends to take sides
Fights don’t have to have a negative ending! Dealing with or overcoming a fight together can make your friendship stronger.
- Sky, Kids Helpline counsellor
After a fight with a friend
Allow some time to calm down and relax. When you’re ready, reflect on how you feel and what happened. It might help to ask yourself these questions:
Could you be overreacting?
Is it worth losing a friend over?
What made you upset, hurt or angry?
Who can you talk to outside the situation to gain perspective?
What do you want your friend to do or not do?
What do you need to be able to overcome this?
What’s bothering you the most about this fight?
What role might you have played in this fight?
How would you like things to be with your friend?
What might be going on for your friend to make them act differently?
Working things out
To move past this fight, it’s important that you and your friend talk things through. Here’s what you can do:
- Reach out – Let your friend know that you want to talk and work things out
- Make a time to talk – When you’re both ready and calm, set a time to talk
- Keep calm – Talk in a calm, quiet voice. Take a break if things get heated
- Be present – Make eye contact, avoid interrupting and distractions
- Talk about your feelings – Use “I” statements and be specific
- Be open – Let your friend share their feelings and thoughts
- Apologise – Say you’re sorry for your role or actions during the fight
- Agree to disagree – When you want to move past this but find it hard to agree
- Fix things together – Figure out how to stop this from happening again
- Be patient – It may take time for things to go back to normal
- Celebrate – If you’re able to work things out, celebrate by having fun!
When things don’t work out
Take some time to think about your friendship. You might decide to:
End the friendship
Spend some time apart
Put some boundaries in place
Still be friends but not as close
If you or your friend decide that the friendship isn’t working
Losing a friend is tough. Whatever happened, here are some ways to cope:
It’s ok to be upset
Take care of yourself
Split time between mutual friends
Keep yourself busy
Meet new people
Talk to someone about how you feel
Try something new
Be polite and respectful
This content was last reviewed 13/07/2018
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