"How do you mean??"
You told us you needed a little extra help when it comes to bullying - so we’ve teamed up with Instagram and your favourite content creators to do just that!
From what exactly is bullying to practical tips you can do right now, think of this as your handy guide to help.
First stop: watch the irl experiences of your fave content creators – Ben McIntosh (@benjmcintosh), Brock Valesini (@brockvalesinii), Sasha Tyers (@sashatyers) and Taz Zammit and Alessia Allfree (@tazandalessia)!
what would you like to do next?
...or just scroll on!
Tips & tricks for your anti-bullying arsenal
Chances are, you’re going to experience or witness a type of mean, tricky, toxic or discriminatory behaviour at some point in your life (unfortunately).
It might not be too bad if it was just a one-off thing, right? Like, those one-off issues suck, but you can generally move on pretty well from them.
The thing is that more severe and serious types of harmful behaviours (like bullying) start out as just that – a single mean moment.
Fortunately, knowing how to respond to that first harmful comment or action can help prevent it from escalating, or becoming a repeated thing.
Here are our best strategies for stopping bullying at the start!
When you’re the target: have a witty comeback at the ready!
When it comes to bullying and other harmful behaviours, shutting it down quickly can be as simple as having a witty comeback ready to go for when someone gets snarky with you!
The right witty comeback can defuse a tricky situation, lighten the mood, and deflect negativity (without escalating things). And most importantly, it can prevent it from happening again and again.
Why? People who bully want you to get hurt, upset or angry. They can find your negative reaction entertaining. And they use those first few comments or actions to ‘suss’ out how you might respond.
If you keep your cool and also show them you can stand up for yourself, they’re more likely to back off.
We know this is easier said than done, so we’ve compiled our best retorts here to help you get started...
For those who are a bit shy:
- Simply shrug like you're totally not bothered.
- Smile, and say, “Ok, thanks.”
- “Thanks for the feedback!”
- “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
For those with a bit of attitude:
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “Thanks for the opinion. I’ll file it under ‘who cares’?”
- “That sounds like a you problem.”
- “Oh, is this a ‘mean comment’ competition? Because I didn’t bring my A-game!”
When you witness bullying: try ‘calling in’
You’ve heard of ‘calling out’ – we want you try ‘calling in’.
Calling out: is a way to challenge harmful behaviours. It's usually used 'in the moment', and can also work well when done in front of bystanders/witnesses (and it does rely on the person doing the bullying feeling a little bit of shame or judgement). It works great if you’re super confident and assertive (as it can be a bit confrontational, which isn’t always a bad thing).
Calling in: is a great strategy for people who feel shy or find their minds go completely blank when they witness something inappropriate happen to someone else. You can do it in private, and after the issue occured (you don't have to do it 'in-the-monent').
It’s all about educating and building empathy without judging or shaming. Like the name suggests, you’re ‘calling' someone to join you in being kinder/better.
If ‘calling out’ a behaviour is a ‘push’, then calling in is a ‘pull’. (We need both push and pull to combat bullying).
Calling in works best when:
- You witness the bullying or other harmful words or behaviours (but aren’t the one experiencing it; i.e. you’re a ‘bystander’)
- You feel safe
- It's one of the first few instances of bullying
- You have an existing relationship with the person doing the bullying; or
- You have some level of ‘power’ or privilege (e.g. you’re a popular kid standing up for someone who is seen as being less popular)
Calling out vs calling in: what it looks like
Calling out: a mean joke
“Hey! That’s so not funny! In fact, it’s downright mean! Way to punch down.”
Calling in: a mean joke
“I know you might not have meant any harm, but that joke could be considered hurtful. Can we talk about it?”
Calling out: exclusion
“It’s not okay to leave people out.”
Calling in: exclusion
“I feel like (name) is being left out. Let’s include them – everyone deserves to feel welcome in our group.”
Calling out: spreading rumours
“That’s not true, stop making stuff up and gossiping behind (name's) back!”
Calling in: spreading rumours
“I heard what you said – it's important to be careful with gossip and rumours as they can really affect someone’s reputation. Let’s focus on being more positive!”
Help! The bullying has happened a few times already!
The strategies above are great for early bullying (or other harmful behaviours). But, if the stuff you’re experiencing has already become established, and it’s now a pattern or some sort of social dynamic, you’re gonna need some more strategies.
These articles are for you:
I reported it... now what? Mental health strategies
Let’s get real for a second – bullying, and people who bully, are deliberately trying to cause you harm.
They want you to feel like crap. And the toxic stuff they do to bring you down really works.
It’s understandable if being bullied is affecting your wellbeing. Bullying can be harmful!
And the responsibility shouldn’t be on you to manage those consequences. But unfortunately, for so many of us – we’re the ones who have to deal with the aftermath of being picked on and tormented.
Our counsellors want to give you the best anti-bullying mental health strategies we have so you have the best chance of combating that negativity. Remember: coping strategies are super personal, so it’s important to find stuff that works best for you!
Strategy 1: Try not to take it personally
Bullying can feel very personal when you’re being targeted. But you’re not the problem.
The bigger picture is that people who bully are choosing to be cruel on purpose (they know exactly what they’re doing). You’re not responsible for that. We all have an onus on us to NOT be jerks – that's why ‘AITA?’ threads on Reddit exist.
Like seriously, they don’t have to even be ‘nice’ to you – they just have to leave you alone/not go out of their way to be mean. If they can’t – or won’t – do that, they’ve got problems. You are not the problem – their behaviour is. And that’s why you shouldn’t blame yourself.
Strategy 2: Use humour
Bullying is no laughing matter! And humour can sometimes be harmful (mean joke, anyone?) But, humour, if used the right way, can be a way to take back your power (in certain bullying situations).
Wanting to try humour as a mental health strategy? Here’s one suggestion that might help!
Imagine you’re a comedian telling a funny story about the bullying you’re experiencing. In your story, you’re the somewhat perplexed hero – and the bullying is so petty and so silly, that it’s actually entertaining. The person using the bullying is vexing you at every turn, thinking they’re using your ‘kryptonite’ against you – but you’re looking at all their behaviours thinking, ‘lmao, what on earth are they thinking? They call that an insult?’
Remember: this strategy isn't about minimising or dismissing something that's causing harm. Rather, it's about changing your perspective on it to take back your power and improve your wellbeing.
We know this can be a bit tricky to grasp, so here’s a real-life story that might help:
“This girl started treating me badly. She’d make up rumours behind my back, and act like she couldn’t see or hear me anytime I spoke. At first, I was hurt and embarrassed by her behaviour, but then I spoke to my friend who had noticed what was going on. We started laughing about how ridiculous and childish it was to pretend she didn’t see me when I opened the door for her or ignore me when I spoke. We were laughing so hard about it! After that, her behaviour bothered me a whole lot less – every time it happened, I couldn’t help but find it funny. Like I was some figment of her imagination, and my phone was just floating in thin air or something. It didn’t stop her from doing it, but it no longer got to me – and I could tell she was bothered by how cheerful I was whenever she saw me!”
Strategy 3: Use compassion
Not gonna lie, this one can be tricky to do too. But if you can learn to do it and do it well, it can be a great strategy for life. Being kind to someone who bullies isn’t the same as letting them off the hook. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is hold them accountable and not enable them to keep hurting people. This becomes a powerful strategy because you’re living up to your values and being the bigger person.
One way you could try out this strategy is to put yourself on the witness stand!
Imagine you’re a psychologist (or maybe a Kids Helpline counsellor?) giving evidence in a court room. The court wants your expert opinion on ‘why’ that person is acting in such a harmful way. You have a professional curiosity about what caused them to turn out this way and do these things. You feel kind of bad for them because you know that ‘hurt people hurt people’, i.e. someone who gets off on harming someone might be really suffering on the inside. That’s not an excuse, and doesn’t let them off the hook – but they must be pretty miserable to want to make other people hurt in order to help themselves feel better! If their behaviour was a cry for help, what is it saying about them?
Real life story of this strategy in action:
“My friend was bullied by this guy who was a total narcissist. He was charming and popular. They had to spend a lot of time alone together working on a project. When no one else was around, he’d put her down – he'd tell her she was stupid, criticse her appearance, etc... My friend would get angry and try to defend herself and he’d just laugh and mock her. It really got to her – she ended up in a negativity spiral, like his toxicity was poisoning her happiness. He was totally living rent free in her head and his comments eroded her self-worth. The worst bit is he seemed to find it entertaining to torment her. She decided she had to stop getting pulled down by his BS. Every time he got toxic, instead of getting angry, she’d let him know that she felt bad for him. It worked, he stopped criticising her (maybe because he wanted her miserable and it wasn’t working anymore, idk) and told her he, ‘didn’t need her pity’. Even more importantly, her mental health got better. Rather than focusing on feeling bad about herself and ruminating over everything he was saying and doing, she accepted that she wasn't responsible for his behaviour, or for changing him. She just decided to be a good role model. I think she deserves to be admired for that!”
Strategy 4: Get revenge (said no counsellor ever) – by living your best life!
Unfortunately, haters are sometimes gonna hate on you. No matter what you do, there will be people who don’t like you for simply being who you are – and some people seem to think that gives them the right to take it out on you or ‘take you down a peg’. If you did change yourself, blame yourself, hate yourself, etc., they still wouldn’t be satisfied.
So don’t give them satisfaction! Brock, Sasha, and Taz and Alessia all deal with judgements, negativity, and even bullying pretty regularly. But they don’t let it stop them from being true to themselves and being who they are. What’s more, they’ve made really powerful friendships and relationships by being themselves. So, you do you. Do what makes you happy and live your life to the fullest! (And get support from Kids Helpline or another professional if you need it - you deserve to be safe and happy!)
AMAs: bullying edition
Our counsellors answer your real-life bullying questions!
Won't reporting bullying make it worse?
People who bully don’t want you to report it as they don’t want to get in trouble. Bullying rarely stops on its own – and keeping it secret often means it keeps happening.
My teacher didn’t do anything to help. IDK what to do?
You have a right to be safe at school. All schools are required to have an anti-bullying policy. Schools who don’t take action to protect students from bullying have faced legal action in the past. Tell them again and get them to create a plan with you to stop the bullying. Tell more than one teacher or trustworthy adult and keep working and communicating with them until the bullying has stopped for good.
Won’t I be their target if I stand up to them?
Such a good question! The best way to stop bullying is for people who witness it to intervene. It just takes one person to speak up – normally, when one person does the right thing, other people back them up and also speak up. Plus, people who bully tend to target people they think they can get away with bullying. Someone who is assertive is a less appealing target for them - so they're less likely to target you if you stand up for someone.
Why do adults always say to just ignore it?
Ignoring it can be an effective strategy for initial bullying – especially when the people doing it are kind of sussing you out as a target, and are wanting a big emotional reaction. If they want you to get worked up – and you don’t – they may decide it’s not entertaining enough to mess with you. However, if it’s happened a few times, it’s definitely time to stop ignoring it (that strategy isn’t working) and try something else.
I don’t get the ‘power’ part of the bullying definition?
Not all mean behaviour is bullying. The power imbalance part really means that the person experiencing it would have a hard time defending themselves, or stopping what’s happening, because they aren’t on equal footing with the person/people doing the bullying. A power imbalance also makes the bullying more harmful to their wellbeing when compared to other mean behaviours (like conflict).
Examples of a power imbalance: An older, larger student picks on someone younger or physically smaller. A group targets a single person who is on their own/doesn’t have any friends. Someone popular targets someone unpopular. (These are all examples of bullying).
Examples without a power imbalance: Two friends have a disagreement. A student picks on a teacher. A student picks on another student, but that student defends themselves. (These wouldn't be bullying).
Cyberbully-proof your socials
Did you know that Instagram has a range of tools to help you combat cyberbullying? If you’ve watched the 'How do you mean?' video above, you may have heard a few mentioned. Here’s our top picks for you!
Block
Stop them from seeing your profile, posts or stories.
There are two cool things about blocking: 1) People aren’t notified when you block them. Total flex! 2) You can block any new accounts they may create – what a win!
Report
Make sure you report bullying when you see it!
We asked our friends at Instagram what happens when you report - and it's totally taken seriously, investigated and acted on! The best bit is that your report is anonymous - the person doing it won't know who reported it.
Mute
Turn off comments, delete comments and mute.
Stop comments altogether or hide someone’s post without unfollowing them. You can even use 'hidden words' to avoid seeing negative comments. Such a great way to make socials better for your mental health.
For step-by-step instructions on safety and privacy tools you can use on other social media and online games (like Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat, Discord and more), check out the eSafety Guide.
Looking for more support?
Check these out too:
Bullying
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