Feelings - we all have them!
Sometimes they’re good, other times they’re hard to cope with
We’re wired to have feelings. Feelings are created by chemicals in your brain and can be felt throughout your body. They are triggered by your experiences and thoughts.
Feelings have helped our species survive by driving us to seek out rewards and pleasure while at the same time avoiding threats and dangerous situations.
Feelings can protect and guide us. They help us to seek out positive experiences and avoid danger. Feelings also help us to connect, understand and relate to others. But sometimes our feelings might be out of proportion to the situation or we aren’t sure how to respond to what we’re feeling.
Talking about your feelings can help you stay in good mental health and help you cope when you feel upset.
What happens when we express feelings?
Expressing feelings can help you to feel:
Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy
Sometimes there are barriers that might stop you from expressing how you feel, such as:
You don’t know what you’re feeling
You’re afraid it will cause conflict
You believe it won’t change anything
You don’t want others to worry about you
You’re afraid to admit you feel this way
It leaves you feeling exposed or vulnerable
You worry others will think differently of you
You don’t think you should be feeling this way
You believe it might be seen as weak or incapable
You think others should already know how you feel
Fear of how others will respond if you open up
You don’t have anyone safe to express your feelings to
You think your feelings don’t deserve to be expressed
It’s too difficult to express or uncomfortable to talk about
Getting to know your feelings
Understand your feelings more by asking yourself these questions:
How strong is this feeling?
Where in my body do I feel it?
Is it just one feeling or several?
What does it make me feel like doing?
How does my body react to this feeling?
What does it feel like inside my body and mind?
How to say what you feel
It can start with two simple words… I feel
It’s not always easy to express how you feel especially if you’re someone who is used to holding them in.
Remember - with practice, saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do.
Here’s some tips to help:
Start with what is called an “I” message, followed by your feeling word.
- I feel __________
- I felt ___________
- I have been feeling __________
Then explain the situation, event or action that made you feel that way:
- I feel _______ when __________
- I feel _______ about __________
Want to take it one step further? Add why it made you feel that way or the impact it has on you:
- I feel ____________ when ____________ because ____________
Put this all together and you’ve expressed how you felt in a positive and constructive way.
Eg: I feel upset when I’m yelled at because it makes me think I’m not loved.
One phrase to avoid
You make me feel…
When expressing negative feelings, try to avoid ‘you’ messages. Such as “you make me feel…”
These ‘you’ messages can often lead to arguments as the other person may feel blamed or accused. They may feel the need to defend themselves rather than supporting you with how you feel.
A ‘you make me feel’ message often gives your power away to solve how you’re feeling as you’re focusing on the other person.
How you express yourself will make a big difference in how your feelings will be heard by others.
There’s more ways to express your feelings than just talking about them
Not up for talking about your feelings? There are lots of ways to get your feelings out. Get creative! Check out these ideas below:
It’s important to express your feelings - the good and the difficult
Expressing feelings can help you to feel better about yourself and the situation.
It can feel awkward at first, but the more you talk about feelings the easier it will get.
Practice helps too! Start off easy by expressing positive feelings – “I feel loved when my dog comes to greet me when I get home, because it shows that he missed me”. Once you’ve mastered them, move onto more challenging ones.
Don’t give up. Remember, expressing your feelings can be difficult and we’re here to help. Give us a call, start a WebChat or email us today and a counsellor can help you talk about and express your feelings.
Talking helps! We’re here for you.
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