Abuse myths and facts

Myth 1:

"If the abuse is that bad, they can just leave."

People who experience abuse are most at risk of severe violence at three key moments: 

• right before they leave 
• while they are leaving
• immediately after leaving 

This can make leaving an abusive relationship very dangerous. 

People who abuse others deliberately use physical, financial, and emotional abuse in order to isolate and control the person they are abusing, This also makes it very hard for them to leave. 

Myth 2:

"Violence and abuse are caused by mental health issues or anger issues." 

Some people who abuse others may have mental health issues, a history of trauma, etc. However, many, many people with mental health issues, a history of trauma or anger issues do not abuse others. 

People who abuse choose who they abuse, when they abuse and how they abuse. They are able to refrain from abusing when it suits them. (This means they are able to control themselves when it's beneficial for them – e.g. they don’t abuse their boss at work even when they’re really angry). 

Abuse isn't caused by 'losing control', rather it's a desire to control or have power over others (as well as many other complicated factors). 

Myth 3:

"Only certain types of people abuse or experience abuse." 

People who are abused can feel trapped due to fear that no one will believe them because the person who abuses them seems like a 'great person' to others; and has often done things as part of the abuse to make it really hard to talk to other people. 

People of any age, social class, religion, culture, sexual orientation and relationship status can experience or perpetrate abuse. The main thing people who abuse have in common is abusive behaviours. 

People who abuse can seem like nice, respectable people to others in their communities. You can't tell just by looking at someone if they abuse other people or not. 

Myth 4:

"It's not really abuse unless it involves violence." 

Not all abuse is physical. Abuse can take many different forms. And not all relationships with violence start off violently.

Violence in abusive relationships starts slowly and increases in frequency and severity over time (everyone is on their 'best behaviour' early in a relationship). Early warning signs of future violence include other types of abuse (listed below). 

Violence can also taper off over time. Once the person doing the abusing has control over someone else, they might stop using violence altogether. Or they might only use violence occasionally, e.g. to surprise the person they’re abusing, to keep them off balance, or in certain circumstances, such as where they suspect the person they’re abusing is about to leave. 

Myth 5:

"People who are abused are sometimes responsible for the abuse. They shouldn't provoke the person abusing them.” 

People who abuse are denying the people they abuse their basic human rights. 

People who are abused are NEVER responsible for the actions of the people that abuse them. They do not have control over when, how or even whether that person chooses to abuse. The only people responsible for abuse are the people who abuse.

Everyone has a right to be safe at all times, in all situations. No one 'gives' you this right. It's yours just because you are a person. 

Myth 6:

"People sometimes lie or exaggerate about being abused." 

Disbelieving people who are abused is a form of victim-blaming, and plays a big role in allowing abuse to continue. 

Research shows that people don’t lie or exaggerate the abuse 

People who are abused often downplay abuse for various reasons, including wanting to protect the person abusing them, fear that intervention will make the abuse worse, or even the belief that the person abusing them is sorry/will change their behaviour.